Let the World Back Into Me
by Rachel Wilder
Summary: If she didn't even know how to hug him anymore, how would he ever feel like her brother again? A Kevin and Joan story.


Let the World Back Into Me 

**Let the World Back Into Me**

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_Author's Notes: Thanks tostorydivagirl for the beta. The title is from Steve Winwood's "Back in the High Life Again." The Warren Zevon version was featured at the end of The Fire and the Wood during season 1. Thanks to all who helped with the title._

I hate this smell. It's stale and antiseptic and it smells like death. Why can't they make hospitals smell like sweet pea or lilacsomething other than death?

I turn and look back at Luke. He's straggling. I'm not sure what his deal is, but he's acting even more reluctant than me. Mom said we had to be here today. It's not like we don't come pretty much every day, but today it was a big deal that we come over to the hospital as soon as school got out. Something big was going down with Kevin, that much was clear from her tone.

The tears in her eyes were a pretty good sign too.

It's not like we hadn't gotten used to my mom crying. I heard her every night in her room. One night I ran into Luke in the hall and I knew that he could hear it too. She tried not to do it in front of us, though. I think she thinks we're scared, and I don't know, maybe we are. All I know is that my mom's crying, my dad won't say anything and my big brother spends all of his time in bed trying to pretend that we aren't in the room.

"Move it, Luke" I say after watching him dawdle at the corner of the hallway. He shoots me a look, but picks up his pace.

"I don't know why we have to do the command performance here every day" Luke whines as he catches up to me.

"He's your brother, Luke" I reply.

Luke rolls his eyes. "Great, any time I've gotten back by not having to watch him play sports I now lose by having to visit him here and while sweat smells pretty bad, this antiseptic is even worse."

"Man, isn't it" I respond, hitting him lightly on the shoulder. "I was thinking the SAME thing"

"Chill, Joan. It's nothing to get that excited about. Okay, let's go" Luke answers before turning and pushing open the door to Kevin's room.

"Joan! Luke"

My mom's voice has that awful "trying to be happy, ready to break into tears" intonation. Oh god, and that pinched smile is splashed all over her face. We are really in for it.

My eyes sweep around the room. It's different. The blinds are open, the sun is shining in andKevin's bed is empty.

"Where's Kevin" I ask. I haven't seen the bed without him. He has so many tubes, how could they even get him out of the bed?

"Did they already draft him for the wheelchair Olympics"

I spin around to face Luke. I can feel the daggers coming from my mom's eyes as she stands behind me.

"Luke" she starts, then stops. "No, Joan, he'she's gone down to therapy."

So, this is the big news. Kevin is getting better. Mom and Dad had taken us to meet with Kevin's doctor, so he could explain to us what had happened and what they would do to make him better. I mean, they wouldn't ever really make him better 'cause he wouldn't be able to walk, but things like learning to use a wheelchair and stuff like that. It all seemed like some kind of dream, though, because there was no way that was going to happen to Kevin.

"Do we sit here and wait for him, or do we have to go down there and watch like it's the quarterfinals of the state basketball tournament"

"That's enough, Luke."

We all turn at the sound of my dad's voice. It's weird, Luke's really been over the top since this all happened, but no one has called him on it, until now, anyway.

"Is he ready" Mom asks.

Dad walks into the room. "Yeah, they're ready for us."

I pick up my bag, ready to go, but no one else moves. After a moment, finally my dad says something.

"Let's get a move in. Joan, Luke" he steps back, signaling for us to head back out into the hallway. After a moment, Luke finally moves and I follow him.

The therapy area is across the hospital. It takes us at least ten minutes to walk over there and in typical Girardi weirdness, no one says a word the whole time. I look back at Mom a couple of times, but she has this expression on her face that lets me know that I shouldn't say anything. It's that "you speak and I will just begin crying" look that's starting to become permanent. I'm tempted to tease her with "do you want your face to get stuck that way" but even I can figure out that it wouldn't be well accepted.

This still feels like a dream. I want things to go back to normal. I want my mom to give us grief about being home for dinner rather than bringing in take-out an hour after we usually eat. I want my dad to get on my case about homework or my make-up instead of always walking up and hugging me like I'm going to disappear any minute. I want Luke to blather on about his latest great discovery instead of acting like the martyr he suddenly thinks he is. I want Kevin

I want my big brother back. I want to be able to ask him about stuff and to have him tease me.

I want to give him a hug and have him hug me back.

But that's not gonna happen because it's not a dream after all. This is a full-scale nightmare and no one's going to wake me up anytime soon.

"So, this must be the Girardi family."

There's a guy in sweat pants standing right inside the therapy room. Just past him is Kevin, lying on a padded table.

"You must be Jake" my dad says as he walks in and shakes the guy's hand. We follow him into the room. Kevin hasn't said anything and I take a step back, not sure if we're interrupting something or not. Luke is even further away than I am. Supremely uncomfortable.

Kevin pushes himself up so he's sitting on the table. He has to push his body into that position now. My mom said something about the muscles in his abdomen, how some still work and some don't and how it's hard for him to do other stuff than just walk. She's trying to help us by explaining what's going on, but it freaks me out more.

"Wow, I wasn't expecting a crowd." Kevin kind of smiles at us. It's not like he's depressed or anything, it's like the old Kevin is just gone. This new one, he looks like my brother, but he doesn't act at all like him.

I stand there and watch as Kevin shows us what he's learned from the therapist. I force myself to keep my eyes forward, to look like I'm watching, like I can stand to watch as Kevin struggles to get into his wheelchair. Last week he was running down the field, making a touchdown.

Finally, I can't take anymore. I tell Mom that I'll meet them back in the room. I take off before she can even respond, not waiting to hear if she might say no.

I've been sitting in the chair in Kevin's room for about thirty minutes. I wonder how long they're going to be. I reach into my purse and find a dollar. A diet Coke is going to do wonders for this headache of a day. I stand up and walk over to the door. As I reach for the handle, the door begins to open toward me.

"Hey."

It's Kevin. In his chair.

"Where's Mom and Dad" I ask.

"They went down to get a cup of coffee" Kevin replies.

"Luke"

Kevin shrugs. I stand there for a moment, then realize I need to back up so he can get back in the room.

"Youit looks good" I stammer.

Kevin slowly turns his chair so he's facing me. "Geez, Joan, you are not a good liar."

I laugh, nervously. "Sorry."

"Don't worry about it" Kevin says. There's a painful silence as neither of us knows what to say.

I walk over and sit back down in the chair. At least this way I can look right at him. It's not so different.

"Joan" Kevin starts.

I look over at him and I can't help it-tears come to the corners of my eyes. "Sorry."

Kevin smiles. "No problem. Happens to me too."

I'm in shock. My brother cries.

"Yep, practically every night, after Mom leaves. Sometimes I can barely make it until she goes. I think if I do it in front of her, she's just going to totally lose it."

I nod my head. It's true.

"Be scared about what's happening, but don't be scared of me" Kevin says.

Scared of him?

"Cause I think you are" he continues.

"No, Kevinno, I'm not."

Kevin unlocks the brakes on his wheelchair and pushes it a bit closer to me. "Then come over here and touch me. I won't break."

I stand up and step toward him so I'm right in front of him. I lean over and try to hug him, but it's too hard. I'm practically straddling him and I still can't really get my arms around him.

Kevin laughs. "Yeah, we need to work on a new way for this."

I step back and look at him. It's Kevin. He's still my big brother, the one who has always been there; the one who I used to run up to and throw my arms around. I move so I'm behind him. I lean down and wrap my arms around his strong arms, crossing his chest. He feels like Kevin.

"Very inventive, Joan" Kevin says as I tighten my arms around him. I lean my head down against his

"Ew" I say as I drop my arms and step back.

Kevin turns to face me. "Ew"

"Dandruff."

Kevin laughs. "Yeah, not a lot of high-end hair product available here."

We're still laughing when Mom and Dad walk in.

"Hey, kiddo" my dad says as he ruffles my hair. I wish he wouldn't do that, but I know it's a sign of affection. "Luke's down at the car. We'd better get going so we can get some dinner."

I stop to hug my mom before I leave. "Get some Pantene" I whisper in her ear as we embrace. She laughs and nods her head. I stop and give Kevin another hug before we leave.

He's Kevin again.

fin


End file.
